What am I feeling?

I usually write these posts on Thursdays and somehow that time, later in the week, is a time when I have a better idea of how I’m feeling.  It’s only Tuesday, and maybe that’s why I have been feeling confused about my feelings.

Many of you know that I cry pretty easily and I encourage crying from my friends, students and yoga therapy clients.  I believe that it’s healthy, a great release and I want everyone to be more accepting of tears, all tears.  Usually, when I can just let my tears do their thing, I move through that cycle and recover.  Sometimes there isn’t even any processing that needs to happen, just a noticing that something moved me.  Sometimes I need more – an apology, to make an apology, or some soothing touch. Some tears are for poignancy, joy, or beauty, and I welcome these as the affirmation that I am engaged in life and letting it affect me.

However!  This week my tears have been unexpected and way more frequent.  I keep “trying to get a hold of myself” and those kinds of phrases just make me cry more.  I feel broken, unhinged, thin-skinned and unable to get footing.  Sometimes, something happens that would match crying and other times it’s just a welling up from within.  It feels like I’m a grape that seeps a bit with just the lightest touch.

After many days of tears, I think I’ve started to get some clarity today.  I returned to yogāsana practice.  I let another teacher guide me.  I listened to her simple words, words from an ancient teacher.  The word “grief” appeared in my mind.  I think that I am grieving.  That feels like a match for my feelings and behavior.  I may be grieving the life of a mom that I’ve been living these past 22 years.  I may be grieving the loss of the freedoms that used to enrich my life – hosting friends and family for dinners, playing games where we touch the same cards, hugging and kissing my loved ones, boarding an airplane, planning a holiday.  I am grieving the simplicity of making a decision without having to study it for all of the current restrictions, without having to check in to be sure others are comfortable with my decision.