I usually write these posts on Thursdays and somehow that time, later in the week, is a time when I have a better idea of how I’m feeling. It’s only Tuesday, and maybe that’s why I have been feeling confused about my feelings.
Many of you know that I cry pretty easily and I encourage crying from my friends, students and yoga therapy clients. I believe that it’s healthy, a great release and I want everyone to be more accepting of tears, all tears. Usually, when I can just let my tears do their thing, I move through that cycle and recover. Sometimes there isn’t even any processing that needs to happen, just a noticing that something moved me. Sometimes I need more – an apology, to make an apology, or some soothing touch. Some tears are for poignancy, joy, or beauty, and I welcome these as the affirmation that I am engaged in life and letting it affect me.
However! This week my tears have been unexpected and way more frequent. I keep “trying to get a hold of myself” and those kinds of phrases just make me cry more. I feel broken, unhinged, thin-skinned and unable to get footing. Sometimes, something happens that would match crying and other times it’s just a welling up from within. It feels like I’m a grape that seeps a bit with just the lightest touch.
After many days of tears, I think I’ve started to get some clarity today. I returned to yogāsana practice. I let another teacher guide me. I listened to her simple words, words from an ancient teacher. The word “grief” appeared in my mind. I think that I am grieving. That feels like a match for my feelings and behavior. I may be grieving the life of a mom that I’ve been living these past 22 years. I may be grieving the loss of the freedoms that used to enrich my life – hosting friends and family for dinners, playing games where we touch the same cards, hugging and kissing my loved ones, boarding an airplane, planning a holiday. I am grieving the simplicity of making a decision without having to study it for all of the current restrictions, without having to check in to be sure others are comfortable with my decision.